I’ve been blessed to know this woman for almost our entire lives. Our memories together are countless, but one of the many things I will forever value is the support and shoulder she gave me through my first pregnancy. Even being states away, she made herself available for support, and it helped me overcome not feeling so isolated with all the changes I was going through. Today, we talk about some of Kaydene’s fears and growth as a mom, regaining her identity, infertility, and more. Kaydene, thank you for allowing us a glimpse into your life in words.
How many children do you have? One.
How old is your child? 12 years old.
Are you a mom of girls, boys, or both? Boy.
What is something that makes you afraid as a Mom?
I am afraid that my son will make it out of the hood, be a successful black man, and still end up dead or in jail because that is the way the system is made.
How did you keep the spark alive in your marriage after becoming a Mom?
We go on vacation a lot without him. He also goes away every summer, so we date a lot when he is away. When he is here we go on dates but he is with us so it’s not the same, LOL!
Did you ever feel like you lost your identity at any point in your journey? What was that like, and how did you regain focus and a sense of purpose?
I definitely felt lost in the very beginning. I was a stay at home mom for his first 2 years, and was relying on my husband for money. Putting my college goals on hold and being a new mommy was difficult for me.
I regained focus and a new sense of purpose by creating a saying. I would say to myself, “I was my ‘Kaydene’ first before I was a ‘wife’ or ‘mommy’”. I actively strived to find her again. I returned to work and eventually returned to school. However, I still couldn’t find her.
I realized I couldn’t find her because she was a caterpillar and I was now a butterfly. So I had to actively seek God because he knew me from before I was in my mother’s womb, which meant He was the one person who could find her again.
What do you believe is a silent cry of Moms that isn’t talked about enough?
Always having to be strong is a silent cry of many moms. We have a lot to carry on our shoulders, and the moment we need a break or actually take a break, it seems as if our homes fall by the wayside. Constantly having to be strong is mentally, physically, and emotionally draining.
How have you overcome the valley of infertility, and what encouragement would you offer the woman in this position?
Girl, when are you having another kid. Oh y’all are trying? Nothing is happening? Girl I’m fertile myrtle all he has to do is look at me and I get pregnant.
This is the conversation I’ve had for the past 10 years. You would think since so much time has passed it wouldn’t still be a sensitive topic. The fact that people don’t realize how insensitive a response like this is… is exactly why it’s still a sore topic.
At this point my son is 12, an amazing kid, and can keep himself alive without any of my assistance. In all honesty, on most days I am completely content with my one and only son shine. Then out of the blue, I find myself crying in the shower asking God if my heart’s desire to have another child (preferably a little me running around) is truly His will, or did I imagine Him speaking to me so many years ago.
If you’ve experienced infertility after you’ve already had a child people tend to think, “Well at least you already have one… there are people who have none” – so you start to keep your hopes and dreams to yourself. You use phrases like “Yup one and done” ignoring the sadness in your heart.
If I had to encourage anyone going through this I would say the pain never goes away, but it gets better with time. In time your sadness grows further apart. In time you cling closer to your child realizing maybe your heart is only big enough for one child so you give all your love to them. In time people will stop asking insensitive questions. And most importantly, if it’s in His will… in time God will keep His promises to you.
I am all the more grateful for the women (like Kaydene) who have chosen to join me on this journey of transparency and support – ESPECIALLY in addition to the life adjustments and loads we are all experiencing in the midst of COVID-19! I can’t thank you enough.
Connection and support are vital to our growth and survival as humans and as Women. I have met many Mothers (myself included at one point) who are going through the trenches and carrying loads solo. This has often led to depression, loneliness, isolation, and such guilt and shame in “not measuring up”.
My prayer is that the women who lay eyes on “Our Life in Words“, will be encouraged, enlightened, and all the more hopeful.
For the Moms,
This series is for the Moms! In honor of Mothers, this May will be chock-full of real stories of Motherhood from Moms of all ages, in all stages. Join me as I feature different Moms (on a weekly basis) who will so graciously be sharing their life in words.
If you missed the previous feature, catch it here! Stay tuned for more stories of triumph, valleys, and faith.