And here we are. The very last post for this series. I was feeling so much anticipation and excitement as I filled my roster with questions for the Moms who would be featured on this project. It was hard to pick just a few questions out of the total of 79 that I drafted (thank you to these amazing women who patiently (and pleasantly) took the time to sort through them!). I couldn’t help but wonder about my own future as a Mother with adult children, nor could I stop myself from going down the memory lane of my many experiences so far. I am grateful for the people that have followed this series throughout the month (over 1.6k views in 23 countries!!!). I feel a little more encouraged, a little more connected, and a lot more grateful. We now close with a glimpse of my very own life in words.
How many children do you have? I have 2 children.
How old are your children? 7 and 2
Are you a mom of girls, boys, or both? Mom of 2 princesses.
How have you coped with the loss of a child (before, during, or after birth)?
It was like a really bad joke that someone was playing when we went for a sonogram and the nurse got strangely quiet. The room seemed to rotate in slow motion when she asked my husband and I if we knew what we were looking at on the screen. Having two children already, we said yes. But we noticed there was no flicker of a heartbeat. “I’m so sorry she said, there is no cardiac activity being detected.”
We experienced a 2nd trimester miscarriage during my pregnancy with our 3rd child. It was Mother’s Day 2019 and absolutely devastating. Among grief and overwhelming sadness, one of the most unexpected emotions I felt was guilt. I felt like a failure. Even some embarrassment (when I had to tell the few people who knew I was expecting).
Healing took time, LOTS OF TEARS AND PRAYERS, acceptance of what took place, and surrender. I’ve learned even more that God is in control and that I am not. He knows the outcome of everything and is still worthy of praise because He is still good. He has healed and softened my heart tremendously toward other women (and men) who have experienced this. As a result, I’ve sought out ways to provide support to other women who have walked this path.
What do you do to be a safe base for your children?
I encourage my oldest daughter to keep no secrets from Mommy and Daddy.
I also designate times for “anything goes” Q&A. Here, she can ask me ANYTHING or give her honest thoughts about ANYTHING without fear of reprimand, judgment, etc. I make it a point not to flinch and to be as calm and collected as possible no matter what may be shared. This keeps her calm and helps her feel safe.
I also try to be very mindful in my reactions to things in general, because kids really absorb and feed on that as well.
What was the weirdest/worst thing you experienced during pregnancy?
During my 2nd pregnancy I became addicted to eating paper towels. I hid this habit in shame, not really knowing why I had such strong compulsions to run to the restroom and eat paper as often as I did.
This went on for months. When I was 7 months along, one day I was blow drying my hair and began to feel very weak. I came in my bedroom and slouched down on the floor. Within minutes I had fallen unconscious. When I woke up, my 4-year-old daughter was screaming at the top of her lungs in tears, and my husband was frantically yelling my name while on the phone with 911, nudging me to come to. When I arrived to the hospital by ambulance, I learned that I had virtually no iron in my body. I had developed Pica (a condition that signals an underlying nutrition deficiency and will produce strong urges to eat non-food items – hence all the paper munching I had been doing).
Come to find out, the prenatal vitamins I had been taking for about 5 months had no iron! My body was severely depleted, especially being pregnant and already slightly anemic. I didn’t even know.
Preggo Mommas, don’t assume that your prenatal vitamins have all the nutrients you need. Check the labels and talk to your Provider to be sure you are receiving all that you and baby need during this critical time.
How has God seen you through a “dark” period in Motherhood?
When I became pregnant for the first time, I was in no way ready to be a mom. My music career was on the brink of finally taking off, and I still had major goals that I wanted to accomplish. I was so scared and in disbelief when I saw the double line appearing on the pregnancy test in my bathroom.
I went on to have better days in my pregnancy once I accepted the adjustment and my new life. I loved my baby girl tremendously, but I lacked joy. Add on the huge reality check of having a newborn, my new body, sleepless nights, and the constant fear of caring for a child and keeping them safe, healthy, and alive, I was caving.
There were MANY life changes happening at this time, including me suffering through depression. God broke my heart for my daughter when she was 4 years old. I had been crying about something, and she came out of no where, with a tissue and wiped my tears (snots included). It was something about the look on her face and that simple but sincere gesture that crushed my heart in pieces. It was like something fell off my eyes and I felt a compassion for her that I never felt.
God has since healed a lot of the pain and regret I lived with due to many circumstances in my life. He has allowed me to taste of the tremendous blessing my children are. I have accepted this season which in turn has healed my anxiety to race toward earthly goals above my high calling as a Mom.
I have stopped to smell the flowers and give more of my self to my girls. I’ve learned to admire and adore them and learn from them. The enemy wanted that wedge of resentment to be used for me to wound my daughter and push her away. He used it to allow me to focus on myself, my dreams, my space, my goals, my comfort and convenience. He wanted to use the rejection I experienced in my life to continue in my children.
Why has God called you to be a Mother?
God has called me to be a mother, not only to bring forth physical life in the single event of pregnancy and birth, but to bring forth and nurture continual life in my children.
He has used (and is using) the jewels and wounds of my past to develop me, in order to lay the foundation of what I ought to instill in my girls. I am called to raise warrior women. Women of God. Women of Virtue, not vanity. Women who know their identities in Christ. Women who are kept. Women who aren’t afraid to say no, and who won’t bow down to the spirit of the age. Women who will continue to live in a way that cleanses and strengthens the bloodline.
I am not just raising my girls, I am raising their children, and their children. What I give them will be passed down (good or bad), so I must be constantly seeking the Holy Spirit’s direction on how He wants me to raise HIS daughters for the time in which they were born. It is a charge to me to always be cautious and mindful in my role – considering the lasting impact that my presence will have on their lives.
Connection and support are vital to our growth and survival as humans and as Women. I have met many Mothers (myself included at one point) who are going through the trenches and carrying loads solo. This has often led to depression, loneliness, isolation, and such guilt and shame in “not measuring up”.
I am all the more grateful for the women who have chosen to join me on this journey of transparency and support – ESPECIALLY in addition to the life adjustments and loads we are all experiencing in the midst of COVID-19! I can’t thank you enough.
My prayer is that the women who lay eyes on the “Our Life in Words” series, will be encouraged, enlightened, and all the more hopeful.
For the Moms,
This series is for the Moms! In honor of Mothers, this May was chock-full of real stories of Motherhood from Moms of all ages, in all stages.
If you missed yesterday’s feature, catch it here!
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